DAY 3: BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA TO KINGS CANYON NATIONAL PARK

Matt wakes up feeling fine, but Jae and Jim do not. The previous day had exacted a high price on them both – especially Jim. Jim’s got a splitting sinus headache and is fighting a wave of persistent nausea - he cannot even down a strawberry at Denny’s that morning. Jim decides to be a man and make the trip up to King’s Canyon National Park despite his illness. Bakersfield is a city situated in the vast, sunny expanse of the San Joaquin Valley, at the southern tip of the Sierra Nevada Mountains, the highest mountain range in the continental US. Driving north into the town of Visalia, Jim seems to be doing OK. However, Jae the navigator insists that we take a right turn and take highway 254 straight into Kings Canyon from the south. Matt agrees and they begin a long journey up the western slopes of the Sierra Mountains. The road winds back and forth, quickly climbing over 5,000 feet above the valley floor. Matt remarks on the remote isolation of this road, and comments on the huge thunderclouds rising up over the trees. Jim is not doing well and he asks Matt to stop the car. Matt is a little skeptical and is determined to find out how sick Jim really is. Jim gives him a good idea by remarking that if you can rate your intensity of nausea on a scale from 1 to 5, 5 being the knowledge that you will puke in 10 seconds, he is a solid 4. Matt tries to go another 10 miles, but is stopped by both Jim and Jae. Jae is carsick and he pukes on the side of the road. Jim goes into the bushes, sticks his finger down his throat and kicks up his gut big time. Matt is slightly concerned, being on a road at high elevation out in the middle of a huge forest. To top it off there are no other cars on this road and the weather situation is grim. Matt floors it the rest of the way into King’s Canyon. Finally, the exhausted trio arrives, two without the contents of their stomachs. Matt proceeds to single handedly assemble camp, assembling the tent, starting the stove, and unpacking the car. It turns out that Matt is the only one interested in any dinner. Jim and Jae go into their sleeping bags to recover from the hellacious drive up. The weather worsens as large cumulonimbus clouds skirt the edge of the park and rain falls sporadically. Matt decides to eat 2 bratwurst sausages that Jae prepared by boiling them in a vat of Red Dog beer. Matt will pay for this high-fat meal the next day in the restroom. All three boys go to bed exhausted and overwhelmed at a long day.

DAY 2: JOSHUA TREE CALIFORNIA TO BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA

The Joshua Trio wakes up with the sun at 6 in the morning. After a paltry breakfast, they start on the road to Los Angeles. A Burger King stop is made in Yucca Valley – where Jim fumbles to put in his contact lenses and Matt shaves off the mean beard he has grown over the past week. The road to Los Angeles starts out beautifully. The road drops off to the south, heading toward Palm Springs, California. The horizon is dominated by Mount Jacinto (over 11,000 feet high), and high winds are encountered in the valley, which is dotted with a constellation of huge, white windmills that spin giant, three-pronged, turbo-prop blades. The scenery soon changes as oak and grass chaparral gives way to the concrete moonscapes we call Los Angeles.

After traveling through the city, and getting on I-5 north, the trio arrives at Six flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California, about 20 miles north of Los Angeles. The first roller coaster, called the Flashback, was a lesson in acceleration for all three travelers. Matt left with numb knuckles, Jim with a disoriented stumble, and Jae with a hysterical laugh. The Viper, skying 188 feet into the sky and reaching 70 mph, is first ridden by Matt and Jae, then ridden by a courageous Jim twice in a row. Jae claims that Jim could not stop yelling, “Nelly, I’m coming for you!” during the long trip to the top of the coaster track. The Batman, a roller coaster that lets your feet hang out, the Revolution, the colossus, the Pscyclone, and the Ninja are all ridden. At around 6 pm, the three leave the park with pleasant memories, pictures with Daffy Duck, and very discontent stomachs intent on seeking revenge on their masters. After driving an hour and a half to Bakersfield the exhausted group stays in an Econolodge hotel room after a satisfying dinner at Wendy’s.

DAY 1: PHOENIX, ARIZONA TO JOSHUA TREE, CALIFORNIA

Jim and Matt come up from Tucson on Thursday morning, while Jae waits until Saturday morning to make the trip from Tucson to Phoenix on account of a wedding he wants to attend. The trip from Phoenix to Joshua tree will be done at night, as the scenery is boring and the daytime temperatures are high. Saturday at 12 midnight Jim and Matt wake from a brief nap and proceed to Jae’s house. Despite getting lost, they eventually locate Jae’s house. In the driveway they are greeted by Jae’s entire family – one family member, worried that the car is old, remarked “Look – it’s a Honda” in reference to the Maroon 1984 Honda Accord that Matt hopes can bring them 2,000 miles up to Seattle and beyond. After a detour across Phoenix, the trio stops at a Fry’s Grocery store and loads up on soda, cookies, and other snack food. Matt drives the first 100 miles out of Phoenix, and Jim takes over at the I-10 rest stop. However, Matt neglected to pick up his Keebler fudge stripe cookies off the driver’s seat and Jim gets a big chocolate stain on is tuckuses – earning his honorific title of “chocolate – ass.” While Jae attempts to sleep in the back seat, Matt languishes in a semi-conscious state until the first rays of sun streak across the eastern sky, bathing the southern California desert in a soft pink glow.

The three traveling companions drive up into the southern end of Joshua Tree National Park only to find an abandoned Ranger station. Traveling north into the park, the Joshua Trio (Matt, Jim, and Jae) drive past the sloping alluvial fans into the windswept expanse of the Pinto Basin. After photographing each other in somber U2 poses, like those seen in the Joshua Tree album, the three settle into the car to sleep. However, Matt wakes from a restful sleep with a gigantic turd churning between his cheeks. He must relieve himself. He is agog that no toilet paper is around – he grabs the most makeshift thing he can find – a plastic bag. Like Jim, Matt soon earns the nickname “Plastic-bag-ass.” The day in Joshua Tree is spent climbing angular, granite cliffs in the wonderland of rocks, and exploring the tremendous vistas that adorn the northern end of the park. After choosing a campsite in a secluded corner of the park, Matt and Jae try to sleep in the tent, which is constantly being buffeted by high winds – Jim has chosen a shaded boulder to take his afternoon nap on. Soon the temperature in the tent begins to rise, prompting Matt and Jae to go find Jim. Jim is found, and he tells how he saw two hungry crows eat the entire bag of O’Boises potato chips that Jae left, anchored by a log, on the picnic table. Dinner is hot dogs ($3.69 per pack) roasted over charcoal. Matt eats too many and has to drink many quarts of water to equalize his salt balance.